Chemo Cranky and Chemo Sobby

Chemo Cranky 

When one battles a life-threatening disease, you give him or her a LOT of latitude when certain personality traits---that you would otherwise not tolerate---surface. The cranky aspect is a somewhat unspoken detail of our reality, since it's one we can empathize with and understand. Who wouldn't be irritable under such circumstances? We certainly don't blame either Craig or our Mom when they become a bit hurtful. Still, it's a biting wind that stings at the time (and make you laugh after).

Craig is El Capitan of Chemo Cranky. We used to call him Cranky Craig or Craigy Crankypants, pre-cancer. It manifests a bit differently during cancer. Two mornings in a row, I evidently didn't have my "What Not to Wear" hat on and pulled a clean, brown shirt from his closet. I was promptly told that he had worn the color brown for several days now (I can't help the fact he owns a lot of brown) and I would have to find another. I thought to myself, "babycakes, we've been wearing the same clothes over and over let alone the same color", but I dutifully went back to find another color. Wrong again. He told me to hurry up, that I was taking too long even though I had JUST walked away and into his closet. Mariah Carey needed me STAT, apparently. I guess she didn't mind wearing brown, after all.

The next day, I pulled another clean shirt and learned that was yet another shirt he's been wearing "over and over". I went back to his closet and scratched my head. Unless "Mariah" had a trap door where she keeps her other shirts, I couldn't find a new "assortment" from which to choose. 

These are difficult moments mainly because I'm doing my best and the caretakers who came before me were doing their best. It's hard when you feel like your best isn't quite good enough, but, after all, it's the cancer talking--not Craig.

On my "to do list": buy Craig new t-shirts. Maybe that will make his heart smile....

Chemo Sobby

On a sadder note, Mom has become quite emotional of late. Well, of course, she has cancer, right? But, this is a different type of emotional, it seems. Today, we learned that this is a common symptom of frontal lobe tumors. She cries without much effort and to see her face turn red and her tears well, breaks my heart. Her voice turns husky and, in an instant, it's as if the parent becomes the child. Last night's "moment" isn't all that rare anymore. Lately, she's been afraid when she stands and begins to cry. She doesn't like to use her walker when she's tired, which means that the daughters have to help hold her up to keep her stable and safe. Unfortunately, she feels unsafe, as if she is about to fall, and begins to cry. We'll ask her if she's okay and she'll say "no" without giving much indication as to what is wrong. On occasion, she'll say that she feels like she's going to fall and we reassure her that we have her (usually, we are on either side holding her by her arms and the waist strap she wears, or we are in front giving her a bear hug as we pivot back and forth). Either scenario, she is safe and sturdy. She has never fallen in those circumstances. Last night, she really became scared and said "she didn't like when we do that", meaning hold her up and help her walk. By then, Craig and Emily had walked up and Craig's face showed concern and frustration that he couldn't help. Back in the day, he was part of the "Mom rotation" after her surgery, and stayed over night at the hospital to help with toileting and to make sure she was breathing. Sad how the circumstances have changed...

Earlier in the night, Jill and I took her to the bathroom to give her a sponge bath. During this "moment", she began to cry and felt scared or uneasy, as well. We did our best to talk quietly, to reassure her that we had a secure hold of her, and that we would help HER help HERSELF walk. But, her legs froze and she became immobile. Today's visit with a neuro-oncologist in Denver confirmed that she is having left-side neglect and attention issues all related to the frontal lobe tumor. She's having difficulty communicating with her left leg and arm, and is experiencing overall fatigue/weakness in her body. The neglect is most apparent when she holds onto something with her left hand and can't let go, as is often the case with her waist strap (which we use to help lift her up). She always holds that in her hand, often times without realizing it. Or, as was the case when washing her hands tonight, she didn't or could not reposition her left hand to wash the underside of her hand. She was also still gripping a Kleenex in that hand despite washing her hands. Later, at dinner, I asked her for a silverware set since she used the one nearest me. She could not locate it, since it was in her left peripheral vision. These details come and go and are not constant; there are times when she can wiz around with her walker and coordinate well with the left side. Yet, those times are becoming more and more infrequent.

In any event, the left-side neglect/weakness/what have you sets her up for feeling unstable and unsupported--like her world isn't hers to navigate and control. That's the conclusion we've drawn. Now, we are to the point of manhandling her or manipulating her feet. She relies on us to hold her up and place her in a seat, safely. For a woman who could do everything and anything once before, it must be difficult to accept being so dependent. It's very hard, and sad to know that there's a tumor in her head causing such a dramatic shift from the woman she was and still wants to be. We try our best to preserve her sense of control by encouraging her to walk. It's unfortunate that sometimes fatigue and the cancer get the best of that capability. Whether it's the disruption to the frontal lobe or grieving for her circumstances, we embrace Mom's "chemo sobby" moments as they come, and do our best to address the sources of stress, agitation and sadness as they arise.

Chemo cranky or chemo sobby, these are merely a few more brushstrokes to the painting of our lives. They add detail and texture but certainly are not the "big picture". ...it's just a story to tell...

~E