Back in the time of chemo, my phone would vibrate with a clever reminder "Chemo time" at ten til 8am and 11pm, when Craig would need his next dose. When Mom was back on oral chemo, she fell into a similar routine.
My phone would continue to vibrate each morning and night even as chemo's utility slowly slipped from our ever desperate hands to become just another unnecessary bottle of pills left abandoned by cancer. Each time my phone would buzz, those in the room would inevitably look at each other, first convinced one of us had received a message followed by the solemn realization of what that message meant. Either it was time for chemo, or we had reached a point in the advanced stages of cancer when it no longer was.
Now, as we approach the first "dual anniversary" of Craig and Mom's passing--Mom's 4 month anniversary is this Saturday and Craig's one month anniversary is on Sunday--it still vibrates with the message "Chemo time". Preserving that direct link to what we've experienced makes it real in some way when so much of life seems to hastily "move on" from this very recent past.
For now, it hasn't felt like the right time to dismantle the reminder of these last 14 months and what we've been through, especially Mom and Craig. It has become "Craig time" and "Mom time" and a reminder to TAKE time. We (family and friends) have suffered great loss--twice. To process and grieve all that we've seen, experienced and lost will take time. It's a reminder that though the river may flow ahead, and some day, we will pull from this man-made "eddy" into the "current", it doesn't have to happen today or tomorrow or the next day. When it does happen, we'll be ready.
For now, I need that reminder. ~E
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