The spirit of Anna Nicole Smith (ANS) lives on. Just when we thought we’d forever be deprived of ANS’s unique blend of quick wit, candid story-telling, and lightning fast delivery, a surrogate ANS has emerged. Erin, Diane and I had the misfortune of being independent observers to what could have passed as either one of the most awkward first dates known to man, or a job well done if the ultimate goal was a little late night exercising. Ripped from Saturday Night Live’s The Smurfette Show, the ANS look alike/sound alike covered all the sordid bases; her likeness to her fallen hero was uncanny. Her comments were thoughtful and witty, and her intonation spot on. In the course of one hour, she insulted her date, praised his family values, played home wrecker to a couple of strangers trying to have their own first date, coughed up her most intimate secrets, and then like Roy’s Bengal tiger, proceeded to maul her closest victim.
It all started at a sushi restaurant, which for me doesn’t rank high up on locales to launch a few indecent proposals. While we sat just a few feet away, ANS’s clone, in her loudest speech-making/’you’re doing it, mama’ voice, proceeded to list all of her wonderful talents including setting goals. Yes, Cloney is not only a goal maker, she’s a goal breaker. No plateauing for her. She started school when she was 24, I mean really started. And she put her whole mind into it. She thought, this is what I want to do, and it’s going to be hard, but I go after what I want. And she’s incredibly successful. She’s even turned down a special offer to run sales for her best friend, the millionaire, because she has to achieve her goals first. Taking a break for a sip of her sake to cool her voice, she asked her date if he had any goals (alright Kit De Luca), which for some ‘successful’ folk may have come off as a tad offensive, but he seemed to take it in stride. Though it was hard to hear his answer -- by then, he was whispering and looking around his shoulder -- he offered a few goals as example. Like any good listener, she laughed and said something about how she could pay his way through nursing school. When he said that was offensive, she took back her offer and said “shut up (mama), first of all, I don’t even know if I would pay for you, and second, we may not even be hanging out then… I’m leaving (cue creepy Smurfette laugh).”
After a few minutes of awkward conversation, she launched into her supremely offensive speech about how she’s never dated an Asian before, how much she likes Asians, and that she has a friend with (African American…I dare not use her wording) features. Kudos to her?? He asked why she specifically liked Asians at which point she said in her best Smurfette voice “I don’t know, I guess I can’t figure you people out.” He mumbled something about how she shouldn’t say such things, she interrupted and said she doesn’t care; she makes fun of her race all the time (clearly). Then, as if touched by Venus, she blurted “you’re cute,” which prompted a romantic “you’re only saying that because you’re drunk.” As if trying to reassure him, she mentioned something about how she appreciates his family values, and that she’s been proposed to twice but turned the guys down. She was in a relationship from the age of 15 to 20. Surprisingly, the guy wanted to marry her, but she wanted to “travel the world.” Since then, she’s dated a lot; it’s not even about the sex anymore. After all, she’s “slept with a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot) of men” (good she got it out of her system). Good Lord. She added, “I’ve dated some of the most beautiful people in northern California (try the world), but I’ve been burned. I’ve been stabbed in the back and some have even stolen from me…no they haven’t, but still. I just want to find a nice guy, but I’m not seeking a relationship either, which I guess is my answer.”
Mid-way through their date, the couple next to them stood up to leave. With her date looking on, Smurfette pulled one of the guys aside, stuck her head in his neck, and whispered in a long and drawn out slur that he shouldn’t date the other guy, and that he deserved someone a little “bossier.” Awkward. Once they left, she launched into how she had a lot of gay friends and that she’s always offering advice. She added that she feels she’s a little bossy, but in a good way. That she’ll email her boss and say “put the f-ing drink down and check out my last sale.” (Yes, I find dropping the f-bomb is always an effective tool for getting the boss’s attention.) By now, her date was barely audible. When he asked her to lower her voice, she said “I don’t f-ing care; I’ve lived a good life.” She then went into a sob story about how hard it is to find a decent person in Denver. Dating is so hard. She hates it when people mistake her as stupid (shocker). But then, like, after the thirtieth date, guys finally realize that she’s smart and stuff. They’re surprised to hear her talk about (pregnant pause) sales and goals and stuff.
As if feeling a tad sorry for herself, she proceeded to maul his face. After a few minutes, she surprised us all with the revelation that she’s drunk (gasp from the gallery) followed by a “do you want to drive me home?” Awww, the goal-oriented self-achiever offers the closing deal. Will she surpass her expectations and bag another sale? My guess is yes.
What was hilarious is that the happy couple actually met on the social dating network Match.com. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It’s times like this when I miss Craig most. He would have laughed his trademark nostril-flaring, milk-snorting laugh. Craig had his share of creepy Match.com experiences, complete with some lady being late to a date because she thought she was going to hit children on her drive over. To know that this lady was out there lurking on Match would have had him crying. As we sat not three feet over, listening to her pour her heart out, we couldn’t help but feel that Craig was there with us, flaring his nostrils and trying not to laugh. I miss him. -- J
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