Il faut d'abord durer

This time last month, we were sitting in Craig's room, enjoying an episode of Rome. Just a few days after, Craig fell into a deep sleep from which he never awoke. Now, almost a month in, I find myself longing for the days of Rome watching, caretaking, and silent conversations. Though nearly a month has passed, there is no easy fix, no return to the days of plucky IV pushing and cancer dodging; to nebulous conversations of what could be. Our “what then?” has quickly become “now what?” But, as we’ve discovered, life continues after death. Plans have to be made, and affairs settled. The time for grieving comes not now but months later, when the funeral machine ends and the pressures of life take hold. Craig’s absence is painful, and real. His presence lurks in the hallways, in his kitchen, in the hallway of his apartment complex. I can hear his voice, and miss his laugh, which, though easy to elicit, was still rewarding to hear. I miss our talks, and his wit. The principle danger now is not burning out, but getting stuck in handwringing gloom and doom. After all, how does one move on after such loss? For the most part, we’re taking things in stride, though I continue to be amazed at my inaudible cry voice. Wow.

The happy endings in cancer get the coverage. But what of the people that have succumbed? Or those who continue to live knowing all along that, in the end, their final chapter has already been written. Those stories are no less courageous, no less commendable. Battles with cancer have a starting point, but never an end; the battle with cancer continues on with those left behind in finding a cure.

The challenge is to last, in memory, in people's hearts and in their busy schedules. For the cause to last, and not disappear simply because Mom and Craig are gone. Their lives and stories continue in our selves and in our actions, and in those of friends, family, and strangers that continue to be changed by their story. Our collective journey with cancer has only begun. We all have a special opportunity to share our experiences and to continue to fight fiercely against cancer. That’s what we intend to do. -- J